"If the Lord can work through unbelievers, what incredible works can He accomplish through those who call him Father?" Charles Stanley

Charles Stanley was very helpful to me yesterday (on the radio). The Holy Spirit used Him to clear up the fact that I need to be willing to obey no matter how I feel, what I have to give up, or how much I don't understand why He wants me to do it. So here I am, aided by an early wake-up of my daughter and later wake-up of my son, but I did go to sleep determined to do this. So determined in fact that I woke around 5 am and was wondering if it was time yet to get started :). Some other things were solidified through Beth Moore. I was convicted to get going on a leading I've had to apologize for making a judgment against someone. I was also convicted to believe God when He told me that He loves me - yes me myself - specially. I have a hard time with that and lately I've been feeling especially self-deprecating. It's been heartbreaking to walk around devaluing myself, but I haven't been able to turn the corner. And when Beth said that sometimes we've been delivered from a sin and yet we still won't let go of it, I knew God was pointing a finger at me. In our homework, we were to write down things people have said that have hurt us, pray for healing from them and release from the hold the words have over us and the people who said them, renouncing them as lies in Jesus' name. So I did several - 3 of which are internal accusations - and had a hard time doing the exercise but did it honestly. So now I have to trust that God took care of it and start living like I believe Him. Because I know He loves me. I know He created me special. I know He crafted me exactly this way and He's fond of His creation. I'm sure He's proud of me when I make good choices. But the head knowledge doesn't translate to ownership of the concept...

Father God, You know I have a problem with Pride. LOTS AND LOTS. It's hard to imagine how I can go from one dramatic swing to the other. What have I ever felt prideful of? I think it's more actions rather than personality. I have always had huge insecurities about my personality and pride in my "righteous" actions. How can this be? I know that self-loathing is a form of pride, but for some reason this inconsistency in my is just confusing the heck out of me today. Lord, please direct me to scriptures that might aid in my digestion and belief that You love me all the while remembering that nothing about me is worth the idolatry of pride. I want just enough confidence (not too much or too little) so that I don't sin against You. I want my confidence to bring You glory and to enable me to be more effective in the ministries You are doing through me. I realize that Satan will try to monopolize on my doubts and render me useless, so station guards around me while I am so weak. Rise courage up inside me to begin to fight with You - taking up my shield of faith and then slowly but powerfully using the sword of the Spirit - Your Word - out loud. Thank You in advance because I know this bondage is not Your will and You WILL act. Thank You for urging me, Spirit. Thank You for filling me today and empowering me. Please now give me the Father's insight into how to live my day. I love You, Abba. Help me believe You love me more than I could ever love You.