"Let’s make our feet beautiful by bringing the good news of Jesus to others." —Anne Cetas

Lord, I want beautiful feet. I want to have beautiful everything, actually. Not so important is the actual appearance, but rather that of inward, spiritual beauty. I'm not beautiful to my husband right now. There is a disconnect between us that is painful but silent. We are for the most part kind to each other, but it's surface level. We've been busy enough not to delve deeper, and I've sort of been waiting for an opportune moment (i.e. on our date night Friday) to really TALK to him. But in the meantime, I think it must be breaking his heart. This morning he was short with me. The tension is palpable. But for some reason I don't feel safe to divulge. I think it's linked with my feelings of inadequacy and unloved-ness with God spilling over into my marriage. There's no REAL reason why I couldn't tell him my deepest feelings and thoughts. He's a wonderful husband and Christ-like to the core. But we've gone so long now without me having talked over anything of any real substance that it feels like when I do, the dam will break and it will flood us.

Maybe part of this is not having another outlet. I'm used to getting my "stuff" out bit by bit with various friends in various circumstances, but lately in the new location, I've been isolated from much free interaction. The pattern for being shut up inside was set and without the prompting that girlfriends tend to do (and husbands tend not to do), there wasn't any reason to break the pattern until I am literally so filled that I feel fat with it. The dumb thing is that there isn't anything BIG in there. Just a lot of little stuff. Like I said, we've been too busy and he's been sick, and we've both been preoccupied with other things. Nothing noticeably suffered until one day I got mad at him and it was never really resolved. The weird thing was that normally I wouldn't have been able to function at all without having resolved a dispute with my other half, but I suppose I had been so emotionally self-serving for so long that it wasn't much of a change. Sad. What's even more sad is that it probably could have been prevented if either of us had realized what was going on. I don't expect him to read my mind, but sometimes he's extra perceptive and insightful. And as for me, I don't remember any warning signs, but I probably should have been more aware. Chalk it up to learning how to adjust through the transition. But I'm truly sorry that we've both been hurt by my behavior.

Lord, I repent of my sin. I so do not want to continue this way. I'd love to have You just do a miracle and wave it away so that we don't have to do any work ourselves! But then we'd miss the wonderful feeling of having overcome a difficulty together. I do want You to knit us together even more closely through the resolution of this dumb issue. Maybe if we do it tonight, tomorrow's date night will be all the sweeter. Please go before us and prepare a path. Work to soften our hearts, and put Your words of peace and love in our mouths. We both love You so much, Lord. We want to honor You with a marriage that brings You glory!