I don't really know why I traveled back here, Lord. It's been awhile, hasn't it?

In some ways, I miss it. In others I don't. In some ways this feels like moving backwards. In other ways, it feels like a giant leap forward.

Thinking about our family... 3 kids almost. Edward, Genevieve, and Willem. Will I have enough strength and joy and peace and wisdom to care for 3 young souls? Will Edward enjoy school? Will Genevieve be a help or a hindrance at home with a new baby? Will Michael feel overwhelmed? Will Willem be a pleasant-natured infant? Will people look at us while we're out and be amazed or in pity? Will I eventually EVER grow into the kind of mom You want me to be?

Thinking about our car... Will all 3 kids be clamoring for my attention from a small backseat of a new (used) car? Or will they each have their own safely sequestered space in a new (used) van? Will they enjoy being piled together or will they bug the snot out of each other and us? Will we be spending $80 to fill up frequently, or $60 to fill up more randomly? Will we make it past the car buying event alive and with our sanity and praising You?

Thinking about my bible study... tonight and then one night left. I'm grateful for the series and grateful for its end. Will there be another one this fall or will You call me elsewhere?

Thinking about missions. A renewed passion for finding our place. It's getting close to the time when we theoretically could pack up the whole family and go, according to Your will. It doesn't seem real, but it seems very exciting. When will you beckon? Could be tonight. Could be 10 years...

Thinking about 1 1/2. Is this the formula You desire? Is it true that we should consider one ministry our primary focus and one other a joyful part-time service? What have I been doing? More like 1/4 ministries. Focusing on VBS, Preschool Craft, Late Night Bible Study, and ABF in a rotation, never feeling like any one of them is first. Besides, what about the full-time ministries of parenthood and marriage? Have I just been biding my time until You lead me to my primary service? Or is this formula not godly? Or is it just not for ME? Or just not for stay-at-home moms in general?

Thinking about all the reasons I need 100 times as much wisdom and discernment as I currently possess. Still praying desperately for it.

Lord, I lay it all on You. All my fears of inadequacy in parenting, ministry, discipleship, and marriage. All my quirks and weaknesses in friendships/relationships. All my defeats that occur during family visits where I can't seem to represent You in any tangible way and usually instead represent the hypocrisy of Your people. The mounding procrastination attatched to finishing up VBS responsibilities. The Birth Plan. The beginnings of 3rd trimester blahs. The hot, steamy weather.

But oh, the cooling rain. The flashing storm. It's so soothing. Reminds me of cool spring days, washing the sky clean. Wash me clean with Your Spirit...