I'm having regrets already. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me, but it seems so PERMANENT and vulnerable! When I've begun journals before, it wasn't for an audience and I didn't have to worry about how I would be perceived or whether I was faithful keeping it or not...

I've thought over how I should change my original post to word it better (I didn't). I've tried to figure out if I really want to invite people to see this yet (not yet). I guess that I'll continue trying to listen to the Lord's guidance and do it in His timing and His way. Still in the dark, Lord! Light my path and make it straight!

I just read a devotional today about being a witness. I thought it appropriate considering that this endeavor is a witness to those who read it. I have done this devotional before, but this time a different point struck me most. I so love my God who gives a fresh Word every time I seek Him!

I've been thinking about re-meeting my classmates at the upcoming 10th high school reunion, and have been getting some insights into their lives through their webpages and emails. It's easy to look at their lives and compare them to my own - being thankful I'm where I am or being jealous of where they are. Not that I'd ever want my life to change, but I'm surprised at the feelings that are resurfacing. In high school I was crippled with a strange mix of self-doubt, desire to be included, rebellion/desire to be different, and depression/need for completeness. I could come to school in Angel Wings or a bathrobe, but my self-assessment would suffer wide swings between feeling stupid about it and feeling prideful about it... I was a mess.

I have changed 180 degrees from that little girl swayed in the wind of her emotions and the opinions of those around her, but I find those memories coming back with a poignant voracity. So what struck me today when I read that devotional was that I have been caught up in the passion of my Lord for the past 6 years after my conversion, but thinking about high school days has been taking away the excitement I have for my testimony. It feels "old hat" after sharing it so much with my church friends here at Trinity. And less lustrous than so and so's...

The physical and emotional sickness I've felt when coming near the vicinity of Oldham County has begun to subside in the past couple years. I am reminded again and again that God makes things NEW! And I remember Beth Moore talking to us (via a bible study video) about how God desires to be the Lord of the Was, Is, and Is To Come. We need not look back at our lives and see victories and defeats. If we have defeats, it isn't too late to let God make them victories. If we leave those things in the past, they WILL come back to haunt us.

So, right now, Lord, I am repenting. I confess that I haven't trusted you to completely heal the scars of my past. I've clung pridefully to those scars so I invite you to come into those feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, contempt, and hurt of my high school years and into the relationships from that time and do your miracles. Continue to renew my excitement about my testimony now, in the interim before the reunion, at the reunion, and afterwards. Help me get out of this funk I'm in and put my focus back on your sweet Face, Lord! Make me a blessing and a glory to your Name! I love you so much, Jesus!