"The psalmist says that radical change can either foster debilitating fear or confident faith. Fear haunts our hearts when all we can ask is “What am I to do?” Faith cuts to the exclamation point: The Lord is in control! In the first half of Psalm 11, David wrings his hands as he describes the fear of losing everything—his kingdom, his reputation, his faith because of circumstances out of his control. You may be buckling under the weight of fear because your world is falling apart. But like David, you can turn your heart to the Lord and declare, “The Lord is in His holy temple, the Lord is on His heavenly throne” (v.4). His throne is the symbol of His sovereign oversight and authority over all things. David moved from fear to faith by focusing on the exclamation point of God’s rule in his life and not on the question marks of the devastating changes in his life." by Joe Stowell

OK, so I'm not facing a radical change right NOW. I will be when we move to Indy soon, but I think this does apply to my current sin struggle. I fear not being able to control this sin. I fear I might not ever be out from under the burden of it: ALWAYS having to look at Nutrition Labels, watch caloric intake, and deny persistent cravings. I'm scared it will be VERY hard for a LONG TIME and I'm just not sure it's worth it. I think many people must look at me and wonder why in the world a relatively thin person is worried about gluttony. But I have to keep reminding myself it's not about WEIGHT, it's about sin.

So this devotional helped me realize the fears I was harboring. I don't normally recognize fear as what it is. Much of the time, I label it "stress" or "concern" or other nice under-emphasizing labels that keep me from admitting that what I'm really doing is WORRY and that's against God's will. I also sent that devotional to a friend who is dealing with a baby (2 weeks older than Genevieve) who has breathing/aspiration issues. They send updates to a big list of friends and family about their appointments and progress so that we know how to pray and help. They seemed particularly tired of the struggle in this email, and while I'm sure that's partly because the husband was "half-asleep" while typing, I'm equally sure they have plenty of those moments even if their lives would not normally be characterized by it. So along with the devotional, I sent one of my "famous" emails...

I believe because of the way God made me (a Shepherd), I am particularly nosy - deeply concerned with the spiritual welfare of my friends and family. It's not that I think I have all the answers, but I frequently want to help in any way I can. Sometimes that means practical assistance, sometimes just prayer, LOTS of times I try to give a word of encouragement or what could be perceived as instruction. Normally it's that I want to relate what worked for me as a means of suggesting tools available. Sometimes it's my theories on the subject. I try to make sure to convey humility as I do this, but I know I'm not always successful (both in conveying and actually BEING humble). I end up looking like a prideful fool who thinks she knows but doesn't... Oh Lord, please don't let that be the case here...

I get this burning desire to say something. I fumble along with my thoughts. Then I look over it for a long time, changing this, adding that, deleting this. Sometimes I'll go away from the computer and come back with a new thought or change. Sometimes I've thought better of it and trashed the whole thing. Many times, though, I send it quickly and then have regrets and worry about how it will be received until I get a reply. Then I can let the horror sink in if it's bad, or let the relief sink in if it's good. Why do I do this? I guess the root is that I feel we should bear each other's burdens, counsel, build up, admonish, care for, serve, spur on, and confess to each other. It turns out badly maybe because I mistakenly believe everyone wants that kind of relationship with me. Or maybe what actually happens is that I do it from my own "wisdom" instead of God's. When it works out fine, it's at those times I praise God with wonderment and think that it must've been IN SPITE of my words and more because the other person is gracious and loves me despite my blatant flaws. This process has gotten better as I have grown in grace, humility, love, tact, etc. But after I send an email like that I want to beat my head against the wall - AGAIN, Laura? Why are you so STUPID? Is this feeling evidence that my emails of that nature are sins or are in the process of maturing? Which is it, Lord?

Father God, thank you for Your rule in my life and over the world. You are in control. Lord, I am so dumb sometimes. OK, well compared to You I am dumb ALL THE TIME. Thanks for allowing your Spirit to live inside me and testify a good word to counteract what I know must be a long list of accurate accusations against me. Thank you for reconciling me to You through your Son so that I can approach you, confessing my unholy deeds and unworthy heart. Forgive me, Father. And help those I've hurt forgive me, too. I know that as I stumble and fall on others, I tempt them to sin by giving them a reason to harbor bitterness. In particular, I want to pray for my friends with the sick baby. Soften their hearts to receive my words graciously and maybe even find something of use to their present struggle. Lord, I also pray for my sick child. He puked today and I just hate being unable to make him well. But I know YOU can! Heal him fast!
Lord, as for the gluttony and pride, burn in me the urge to follow up on what I've purposed to do to help combat it. Give me discernment during times of weakness to decide which weapon to use and the gumption to USE IT. With the issue I'm facing in my marriage, help Michael have time to put some thought into his own perspective. Give him the special insight he was designed to hear. Help me be joyfully submissive to the direction You give us through him.
I feel like I'm drowning in a lot of STUFF right now, God. Thank you that I am unable to go where you cannot see me. Your light is always ready to shine on me, no matter how dark I get, how confused I am, or how resistant I am to see it. Make me more aware of Your presence than I was yesterday. I know You are there, but I need to FEEL You during times of weakness. I so wish we could just go grab a hot chocolate and muse awhile together about life, love, and friendships...