Peace. So many scriptures run through my head. I read this, but didn't feel much peace afterwards (a sense of gratefulness to my Savior and Lord, but not peace). I feel very opposite of peace and I can't figure out why. Michael suggested depression. It's not impossible that I have a mild form of postpartum depression. I have some of the warning signs. But then I always exhibit those warning signs when I am sinning, so since I'm not a fan of labeling spiritual issues with medical terms, I'll assume it's either sin or oppression going on. I do feel rather oppressed right now. Held down, worn out, poked at, mocked... I generally feel a pervading sense of dis-ease. And yet while it seems to be connected with the move, I don't think it's the JOB that's got my panties in a wad. I felt peace about that this weekend, and Michael feels it, too... So is this my sinful tendency to worry, or is it the pricking of my conscience by the Holy Spirit?

"Be sure that you are spending quality time daily in prayer, Bible study, and quiet contemplation of His Word. The more time you spend intimately with God and His Word the easier it will be to recognize His voice and His leading in your life." Got Questions?

I am not spending quality time with You, Lord. By the time I get to the end of my day, I am exhausted and feeling defeated. But I would rather be in this pickle than not have access to You at all. I know that I asked for it when I told You I wanted to be conformed to Your Son's image. It's STILL worth it, Lord. WOW. A wash of peace, Father! Even now as I look back at that entry, I see that I have been desiring your blessings on my life (discernment, guidance, salvation from my anger, peace even...) when all You wanted was for me to seek YOU ALONE! Your blessings come as a byproduct - they are not my goal. I have been reading and reading and studying and talking with friends and doing everything but loving You. I'm so dumb, Lord. This prayer thing is NOT EASY for me. I'm so thankful for this blog because it allows me to actually focus. Praying in my head is not different for me than trying to think through something - I get lost. That's why I always talk it out through verbal or written words. Usually I don't realize what's all stuck in there until I start spilling it all out.

But I'm rambling again. Wow. Peace. Good. Yes.

I so love You, Lord. My heart melts thinking about how simple it is to meet You, how kind and gentle You are, how compassionate Your love - like a mother hen with fluffy wings begging to be snuggled under. Your tender mercies. Your amazing patience (that I would have lost for me 2 days ago). I'm tired, Jesus. But I miss You. I've been in a hazy daze of confusion that has blinded me to Your presence and I miss You. I'm missing my husband, but I miss You more. How I wish so many times that You could be like Michael and just come home and give me a big hug that makes everything better. I bet You're a great hugger. My sister is, too. I am not. I think I tend to be stiff and bony and awkward. I am so concerned with the awkwardness of the situation that I don't put my heart into it. How self-absorbed am I? I don't want to hug You like that. I want everything I am to rush at You with child-like excitement and wild abandon, to melt into Your arms like this moment is the only one that matters, and to feel the physical manifestation of Love Himself squeezing me like I'm His favorite child. I so loved the reminder that if even the tiniest speck of dust touches our eye, we know it immediately. In the apple of Your eye, You are aware of even the smallest amount of persecution or pain I am experiencing and You care. Flush out the speck, Father, but even more importantly, I want to love You more. More and more and more. I am greedy with an insatiable appetite for the ability to love You. I need it more than life.

I cannot live apart from You, Almighty God. It's a worthless venture that leads nowhere. Relationship with You is living water to quench my thirst forever. But because it's living water, and because my well can run dry, I need to keep coming to You for refills. Let me not get as low as I have been this week, Lord. I am realizing that as I learn to lean on You, You don't let me coast on fumes. Your sustenance doesn't last as long as it used to. You expect more from me. That's GOOD, God! You are good all the time. I know it. Praise You, Father. Praise Your Name from the mountain to the valleys. Glory to God in the Highest even when I'm the lowest. All the more glory to You, that You could take a sunken person like me from a dry and parched land to running over with joy... Hallelujah! I might even dance a little... :)

"Hallelujah"
by Leonard Cohen, on the Shrek soundtrack

...I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool ya
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah