I wish the righteous life in Christ was a perfect reality now, Lord. I am struggling. Being a parent is a thankless, exhausting, frustrating job sometimes - I know You know much better than I.
Edward was a real brat yesterday. And so was I. I kept telling him that I was sorry I was so grumpy, and he kept misbehaving. We were a couple of miserable creatures. At least Genevieve was pretty good. I spanked Edward I don't know how many times last night for getting out of bed and leaving his room... I ended up apologizing and cradling him for awhile afterwards because the Lord showed me through my bible study that He is kind and loving and good and He cradles us when we need it. When I woke and prayed this morning, I realized that I had been disciplining him for MY sake, not for his. I was sick and tired of him disobeying me because it was inconvenient for me, not because it would harm him. But I'm being defeated again today. I just now yelled at him for tinkering with stuff in the office. ACK.
I can't do this, Lord. Part of me wants to just throw the kids into the car and take them somewhere - ANYWHERE - to get them OUT of my hair. Part of me honestly just wants to throw them ANYWHERE PERIOD. But I don't think that's what the Lord desires. He doesn't toss us into an alternate Universe because He needs some space. I know sometimes in our frailty, we do need that (and SHOULD do that when we feel we might hurt our children), but I might be missing the lesson the Lord has for me. I feel He is bringing me to complete surrender through my children. If I wasn't so angry, I might be there already. But the anger is easier to cling to than Christ.
What will it take You to bring me to my knees with godly sorrow and a heart prepared to receive You? I hope nothing drastic. Why can't I let go of this, Father? Is it pride? It seems most sins have their root in pride, but I can't see yet how it applies here.
I got a lot of moving stuff done yesterday despite my mood (and really didn't start feeling helpless, tired, and mad until around dinner time). Lists, organizing, minimizing, taking big sacks of trash outside, stacking boxes and unused toys in the basement, did 3 bible studies, my devotional, stayed away from the computer for most of the day and didn't look at realtor.com... Part of why I was so upset was because I wouldn't have taken back all that I accomplished just to be in a better mood and be a better mom. Isn't that horrible, Lord?
Father, I HATE this feeling. I hate the sin within me that makes me think so stupidly. I am gratifying the desires of the flesh instead of desiring the better things that You have prepared for me! I think I "deserve" better behaved children. I am putting them as a lower priority than getting ready for the move.
It's hard for me to figure out how NOT to do that because I know that in a totally normal day, some time with the children is sacrificed to get other things like chores and ministry work done, and rightly so. Moving should be the same story. But it's somehow different. My heart is hard and dark... I realize that it's always been difficult for me to sustain motivation. When I finally get inspired to move my butt off the couch, I like to take care of it NOW, and for as long as it takes, before I get out of the mood to work again. What this is going to take, I think, is constant interruptions for childcare and rests to refocus, all haled together with an incredible amount of perseverance that I do not possess. That's OK because the Holy Spirit has it and can do it through me. But He has to drag my pitifully immature dead weight along with Him as He does!!!
I don't want to be dead weight, Jesus. Teach me. Mold me. Use me. So that I might walk WITH You instead of digging in my heels.
Potter’s Hand
Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Savior
I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hands, crafted
Into your perfect plan
You gently call me into Your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
You gently call me into Your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes
I'm captured by Your Holy calling
Set me apart, I know You're drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord I pray
Chorus
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