"The King's heart quivered as the trees in the forest shake before the wind" (ls 7:2 RSV), Isaiah tells us in the story of Syria's occupation of Ephraim. The worst had happened. The thing Ahaz feared had come upon him, and he was terrified. So are we when we seem to have no defense against something. We are at the mercy of an enemy--debt or disease or disaster or doubt--and we wait, quivering in fear, for our final ruin. Then we are reminded of our sure defense, the only absolutely impregnable stronghold--the word of the Lord, and when He speaks ("This plan shall not succeed, it shall never come to pass") as He did to Ahaz, we are safe. No power on earth (or in heaven or hell) can shake the Rock of our salvation. It is on that Rock that we plant our faith and stop quivering." Elisabeth Elliot

You're such a mystery, Father. What does this have to do with me? Do you see fear within me? Maybe You do and I just didn't realize it. Huh. Buds to be nipped. Interesting. Of course You're right - I am a little fearful of our situation. I'm scared that living in a hotel for a month or more will be difficult (do I have to keep the baby quiet all day? will I have enough supplies to keep us happy?). I'm scared that our plans to buy a home might be delayed (will both these options fall through? there's nothing else on the horizon that we can see). I'm scared that we may have double mortgage payments for a long time while this house sells (it took a year of being on the market before we bought it 4 years ago). I'm scared that it'll be a huge pain to get us packed and out of here by Saturday morning (I have gotten little done these 2 weeks). I'm scared of the possibility that we may have to pack and move our entire house mostly by ourselves (do I have the strength? the time? the patience? what will I do with the kids? will I do it alone while M's back in Jeffersonville?). I'm scared that we might have made the wrong decision to go with the realtor for our house (we haven't heard from him all week about the showing on Sunday) and the realtor in Jeff (she's pushing us to go with one of our options over the other one and we're afraid it's because she would get a bigger profit). I'm scared that finding a church will be a long process (and will we find one within reasonable driving distance?). I'm scared that relationship dynamics will be more difficult now that we're closer to family and some high school friends (will I flub them up? will I have to deal with embarrassing and frustrating sin issues again?). I'm scared that we will be sucked back into our old behaviors/roles from when we lived in the area before instead of the people we've become in South Bend (I want my wonderful hubby just the way he IS! I'm jealous for his attention when we're back home). I'm scared about making new friends (will I seem intimidating and arrogant? will I represent my Jesus well? will I let my insecurities make me even more stiff and serious than I normally am?). I'm scared that I won't like the house we end up with and it'll be yet another struggle to be content in my circumstances (did I not learn my lesson? do I have to do it all over again? can I deal with all these issues all at once?). I'm scared that I'll be super needy with Michael and drag him down (I can't be his helpmeet if I'm always clambering for a huge show of love. I can't dump all my complaints on him because he hasn't been able to shake it off lately).

Wow. All those fears I didn't really know I had until I just puked them onto You. THIS is why You're God. THIS is why I love You so much. You know me so much better than I know myself and You always know what's necessary to tell me about at exactly the right time in exactly the right way.

I CAN'T DO THIS LORD! IT'S NOT WITHIN MY POWER. I AM WEAK, HELPLESS, DUMB, BLIND, LAME, DEAF, ROTTEN, LAZY, PRIDEFUL, ETC ETC. But yet you love me. You called me according to Your purposes. You work all things to my good. You made me the unique person I am and You're making me like Your One and Only Son. Day by day, with careful attention and gentle instruction. With perfect precision and intricacy. From the inside out and the outside in. Top to bottom. The tough parts and the delicate ones. The parts of myself I have always hated along with the parts I think are pretty. Am I clay or rock to your touch, Lord? Am I receiving Your craftsmanship or resisting at every chance I get? The competitive parts of me want to ask "so, in comparison to Jane Doe, how do I measure up?" As if this would matter?

You keep cupping Your firms hands on my chin, waiting until my wandering gaze finally lands on You, and with Your eyes You tell me "Laura, I love you, child. What happens with you is my business, what happens with them is my business. If I want your help, I will ask for it. You need to focus on ME. FOCUS! Do you need a spanking, little lady? Pay attention and listen to me. I love you. Love me back. Obey me and find out what pleasure and satisfaction comes forth. You do not need to worry about a thing. I am the GOD OF ALL THE AGES, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORDS, MAJESTIC ALMIGHTY, HOLY HOLY HOLY, THE I AM. If you think there's anything that's too big or too small for me to handle, tell me. Tell me in the same sentence as my Name. No, you aren't stupid or silly. These things my most faithful children have had to work through. But I'm not done with you yet and we've got a lot of work to do. If I'm going to present my bride spotless, it's going to take everything we've got! You and I and every other One I call. Is it worth it? Am I worth it? Focus on me and I will show you the way. I will light your path, hold your hand, walk beside you, walk inside you, give you strength to put one foot in front of the other, mend your wounds, give you my fruit, and love you through to eternity. I am faithful to do it. Trust me. Put that beautiful body of yours that I created in your mother's womb back on the altar. Sacrifice your life, your rights, your stuff and you will gain much more than you could ever think you've lost."

OK, Lord, so I get it. A moment ago I was getting bogged down with fears, but I am ready now to ask You for a course in obedience. OK, I was going to say "crash course" because I don't want to waste any precious time I could be spending obeying You, but then I got scared that You'd really hit me with something hard and fast that I don't want to deal with right now. DAMN YOU SIN NATURE! Funny how while putting one leg up on the altar, I decide I can take it right back... hmm... I'm so angry. Lord, TAKE IT. CRASH COURSE, Father. I want a crash course. Yes, I do. Don't argue with me, flesh. I DO. Daddy knows I do, and he's going to put you in time out if you don't stop pestering me. Booger head.

Is this what you meant by becoming like a child to enter Heaven? Somehow I doubt it :). You know what You need to do. Go ahead and do it. I will be asking You to work in my heart so effectively that I don't even FLINCH. So effectively that I accept it with JOY and THANKSGIVING! Accept it, rejoice over it, and praise You for it! Amen! Hallelujah! Maranatha!