"Yes, I'm on my way! I'll be there soon! I'm bringing my payroll with me. I'll pay all people in full for their life's work. I'm A to Z, the First and the Final, Beginning and Conclusion"How blessed are those who wash their robes! The Tree of Life is theirs for good, and they'll walk through the gates to the City. But outside for good are the filthy curs: sorcerers, fornicators, murderers, idolaters--all who love and live lies." Revelation 22:10-15 (The Message)
Time is just about up... You're on Your way and will be here "soon"? Honestly, that seems like such a stretch! But I suppose if I was living in eternity, a short 2,000 years is nothing. Heck, that's only a little more than 2 Methuselah lives! And how long were Adam and Eve around? I would guess longer than that, considering their unmarked days in the Garden, and then their unmarked days outside it...
Well, maybe all that is a distraction from what I really need to talk about with You. I think my heart is divided. I have been focused on landscaping lately (of all the things to take my attention away from You), and many other things. I got in another funk yesterday and wasn't trusting You with it. The bad thing about being to this place is that I'm mature enough now to KNOW what actions to take, and can take them without really having the right accompanying feeling. That's good in the sense that I'm learning how to obey despite the circumstances. But bad in the sense that I then am able to get by for longer without having the consequences show up as an obvious cause and effect. When I act like a "good girl", I don't have as much strife in relationships but I also don't have the genuine closeness. Absence of strife can keep things "doable" for a long time, without needing to cry out for help. But the consequences in my relationship with You are deep-seated and devastating, and the consequences in other relationships... I'm not sure yet - I haven't gotten there.
Am I being dramatic? Am I making things sound worse than they are? Or am I getting down to reality? I know that when I take an honest look at myself, it's much darker than I normally acknowledge. When I confess them to You, they are bathed in light, but they don't seem to go away. It's just that occasionally they get Sonburn, and occasionally they get hidden under a cloak of disinterest...
I'm having real trouble focusing here, Lord. I've stopped and started several times and I can't form a full cohesive train of thought. I'm getting things done, but losing relationship with You. Help me WANT to slow down and listen to You. I do love Your Word. I definitely love You. I love being close to You and the rare times that I REALLY believe You love me because it's so tangible (please don't let me get mired in the mountaintop and lose perspective!). I love the fact that I can come to You honestly anytime (show me the truth so I can present it honestly before You!). I love that even as hard as life is every day, You have promised Heaven after it's all over (oh, come Lord Jesus!). I love that You are who You are (what a God is my God!). I love that You never lie (help me overcome my unbelief!). I love that You are so HOLY and can empower me to be righteous when I let You live through me (cleanse my dirty soul!). I love that You love my friends and family even more than I do (please bless them abundantly, Father!). I love that You take care of everything according to Your grace, mercy, and good purpose (give grace! have mercy! allow me a purpose!). I love that You forgive me over and over and over (please forgive me for my numerous sins!). And You're so patient with me fumbling through the process (please be patient, but hustle me along when I need it!).
Please go with me today. Speak to me to reveal what You want me to know. Empower me to act on that knowledge and depend on You. Fill me so that YOU crowd ME out.
.JPG)
