"...Just as my outer smile needed some tweaking, my "inner smile" - my attitude - is also a work in progress. As an introvert who needs her space and quiet, I find my patience challenged daily by how much my kids need me. Hearing "Mommmmyyyyy!!!" shrieked out at ten-second intervals all morning can certainly bend my smile out of shape and make me want to hide under my bed for the whole afternoon. It takes a conscious effort on my part to make the small, careful adjustments in my attitude that keeps my "inner smile" attractive for my children.

The other day as I worked on a few projects, it became obvious that my "Mommy Magnet" was turned on again - wherever I was, my children wanted to be right beside me. Feeling my irritation grow, I worked to deliberately shift my attitude. In my mind's eye, I fast-forwarded just a few short years to when they will be teenagers. Then, the tables may be turned and the last place they will want to be is where I am! Letting this realization sink in, I took a deep breath and decided to put my projects aside for a time. As we got out the craft supplies, I looked at the smiles on my kids' faces and could feel my own growing - on both the inside and out." Jolita Peterson (MOPS Mom-E-Mail Sept 17, 2007)

Yes, Lord, I too, the introvert, need my SPACE! But I had a small victory last night when I spent a little extra time and energy with my sweet son. Sure, the biscuits didn't turn out perfectly, and he didn't actually sleep in the fort I made him last night, but he remembers that I care, that I was proud of him for helping, that the biscuits sure tasted great to his toddler tongue, and that he was able to do something extra special last night. I want to help him develop a sense of purpose and a sense of worth. Those small things help break up the endless days of the same daily cycles, infuse in us a new excitement and hope, help us feel our day wasn't wasted, and make us proud of our accomplishments. None of that is possible without You, Lord. Whatever good ever comes out of my day is always You. Thank You for the extra time last night with my hubby. A casual but deep heart-to-heart is exactly what I needed. You are so great to help that along!

Father, I generally feel a lack of purpose. Is it because You are teaching me that my real, priority purpose is with my kids right now, and everything else (bible study, neighborhood ministry, etc) is all secondary? Well, I'm not learning it very well, am I? If You want me to make myself a daily schedule so that my life is more meaningful and structured, I need You to show me and prod me! I cannot do it! I am incapable of both the motivation to start and the self-discipline to follow through! Good thing You have already been teaching me through this blog.

So, I'm laying it all down. The worthless feelings, the guilt over not acting on several convictions, the stress of what feels like eternal house projects, the desire to lead my husband instead of submitting, the back-of-my-mind planning and obsessing, the nagging of dishes and laundry and cleaning and meal prep, the dread of another day spent in resenting that I don't have close local friends or parents who support my faith or my own time and space or easily workable garden soil or a bible study or a mom's group or an organized household or a closeness with You right now.... I am allowing a root of bitterness to grow. I am NOT content. Godliness with contentment is great gain... So I am not gaining. I'm losing.

I give up. I can't do it. It's not possible. I can't make myself content. I can't get through the day. I can't even give up myself. I am CHOOSING to lay it all down, but I can't actually make myself release it. I can't make my mood transform. I can't be satisfied by my efforts. I can't I can't. I feel smothered by my shortcomings.

Lord, do You want me to be discontent with the way things are so that I feel a drive to change, or is my discontent a symptom of my not accepting that this set-up is exactly what You want for me? I have no idea. I'm so FRUSTRATED!

I do praise You in the midst of all this, though. I mean - how many blessings do I have?!? My life is not a cause for discontent, certainly. Two beautiful children, the best husband on earth, the most awesome church we've ever been a part of, a house that's PERFECT for us, nice neighbors, friends scattered here and there, clothes, plenty of food, a working laundry room and dishwasher, money to spare for projects, no illnesses, and most importantly, Salvation and a Relationship with You! You are the only God, the Most High, Holy One, Lamb, Lion of Judah, Alpha and Omega, Savior, Friend, Counselor, Comforter, Keeper, Lover of My Soul, Creator, Merciful God. Please help me focus on YOU and not ME ME ME!!! I have been wallowing in myself for WAY TOO LONG! I'm so sorry, Lord. But I'm not going to wallow in self-pity and condemnation. You convict to RESTORE, not to condemn. I love You Lord. I am so grateful that You took my shame upon Yourself so that I wouldn't have to bear it. I give all the accusations and blame to You. I don't want or need them. You have paid my penalty. You have declared me Not Guilty. So then please work on my "flesh" so that little by little it desires to do Your will rather than my own. I WANT to please You! I want to please You alone!