"...“Oh you do care,” I said with a grin, giving him a big hug.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing. Let’s go home.” I answered.

When we got back home, I quickly erased the message on the machine before Steve could hear my reprimanding words. “Whew,” I thought, “That was close.”

A few days later, Steve called me from work.

“Sharon, have you listened to the answering machine lately?”

“No, why?”

“Well, I think there’s something on there you need to hear.”

We hung up and I reached for my cell phone to call my home phone. The message on the answering machine went something like this.

(The voice of a Sweet Southern Belle) “Hello, you’ve reached the Jaynes’ residence. We’re unable to answer the phone right now (enter the voice of Cruella de Vil) “I was calling to let you know I’m at Katherine’s. I thought you’d be worried, but apparently, you don’t even care because you won’t pick up the phone! (Return of Sweet Southern Bell) At the sound of the beep, leave your number and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible.” Beep.

“Oh, my goodness!” I screamed. “How did this happen! How many people have heard this over the past three days?”

I called the phone company and they explained that sometimes during a thunderstorm (which had occurred three days prior), lightening strikes the wires and answering machine messages get scrambled. The old message somehow got attached to the greeting.

I was mortified. It sounded like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde reincarnate.

“Lord,” I prayed. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Yes, it is,” He replied.

Well, He didn’t really say that in so many words. It was more like this. James 3:9-12" Girlfriends in God

The other day when Michael and I were "exchanging words," there were a few things I said that he picked up on and replied a couple times (in different wording): "now, does that even line up with what you KNOW of my character?" I am so quick to jump to conclusions that don't even match what I know of my loved ones! Somehow, when I mess up, I expect the person I've offended to understand that wasn't like me and assume there was some explanation that makes it excusable, but when I'm offended I act like I've never met the person in my life! Let alone someone I've been married to for 6 years! In an argument, I'm typically less concerned about the validity of my claims and more concerned about being the one cleared of doing wrong. Did I just say that?!? I'm willing to say something without thinking about whether it's really true (and it probably is more exaggeration than truth) in order to be morally superior and prove my point. I.E. I'm willing to lie to "win". Well, I'm thankful I have a strong hubby to call my bluff and a God who won't just let me off the hook when I need to recognize my sin and repent.

Lord, thank You for this incredibly humbling season of my life. It seems You are responding in spades to my request for humility. If I ever got the idea that I was doing "pretty well with this whole Christian discipleship stuff" and was only struggling with a few straggler strongholds, You've shown me just how easy it is to uncover the parts of my flesh nature in hiding. On the radio Charles Stanley said the other day something like "faith untested can't be trusted." Well, I'm being tested and refined. So are You showing my own work on the foundation of faith to be of poor quality? Are You burning out the bad theology so that You can replace it with materials that CAN be trusted? How much more do You have to do? And how much longer will I feel like this? Is this resentment? Is it rebellion? Is it pride? Is it selfishness? I can't put my finger on the exact emotion, but it takes the joy out of my prayer life, so I know it's not of You. I sit in church and follow along with the program, but Your Spirit within me is not stirred. I am almost always moved to tears on "normal" days, but lately, my well is dry. I have joy through daily struggles (WHAT A BLESSING! You knew that would be needed, didn't You?) - it's like I can have 2 different authentic personalities. One that is almost sulky in church and during tougher times at home, and the other one who has enthusiasm for home life and looks forward to church. I feel like the Jekyll Hyde described above. How can these two persons coexist within me? How can both salt and fresh water spring forth within me? Dueling natures? Ah. Self-focus. Very good, Lord. I see that I've taken my focus off of You and started concentrating on how I could have a spiritual "work-out" to beef up my practice of belief. But no, that's not quite it, either. Maybe the focus on "exercise" was fine - but that once anything hit, I immediately feel back on myself instead of going back to You? It's all a confusing mess in my mind now. I don't even remember how this started...

Well, regardless how it started, I want it ended. I want to cooperate with You whether I feel like it or not. I want to have clarity about my sins to the point that I repent of them, but not so that I'm consumed with them. I want my focus and actions set squarely on You and Your Word. I want to choose to dwell on godly thoughts, not ungodly ones. Lord, I am so sorry for all the sin that's surfaced. All the sinful desires I've given in to. Pride, lying, anger, laziness, selfishness, etc. I thank You again for this season because I know the harvest You are doing the work to reap. Michael is working on the lawn right now and I know he has to burn up the weeds, till the soil, rake out the rocks and dead vegetation, grade the soil, and then sow and water carefully and thoroughly. I am so glad You've chosen this time in my life to really roll Your sleeves up and get the project underway, and so glad You've chosen this local Body of Believer to assist You. Yes, I will cooperate with You. I can't promise more than maybe the next hour. But that's a place to start. You have been faithful thus far. May this entry be a memorial stone to attest to that fact. Circumcise my heart and roll away my reproach. You will be known as a God who saves, who loves, and who gives grace to sinners like me.