"The same is true in our warfare. Our toughest battles will invariably concern matters of faith—times when we’re tempted to think God’s Word and His ways won’t work for us, that He has abandoned us, let us down, or failed to come through for us. If Satan can get us to drop our shield of faith, he knows we can’t remain standing for very long. Firsts have great importance in Scripture. Do you know the first recorded words that ever came from the serpent’s mouth? “Did God really say…?” (Gen. 3:1).

He used the spade of deceit to sow doubt. Satan, posing as the serpent, couldn’t keep Eve from believing in God, so he did the next best thing. He baited her, tempting Eve not to believe God or trust His motives. Her walk was crippled, her doubt was contagious, and the couple lost the land God had placed under their feet. You see, when Eve dropped her shield of faith, every other piece of spiritual armor became vulnerable. Satan knew she wouldn’t remain standing for long. When she fell, she fell hard. I know the feeling." Beth Moore

What lies am I believing about You, o Lord? I don't feel abandoned, but I feel like You're purposefully making us wait for things to become clear. It's just a little bit excruciating! :) I'm not sure why, because I can't think of a scenario that I would be devastated by. I think it's just that I feel so NEEDY right now. I don't like feeling needy. Sure, it's an accurate state of affairs for every human being. Even when I don't feel needy, I am needy - I always need You, God! But I don't like this incomplete feeling. And I can't figure out if it's a bad needy (because I'm not content or being satisfied by You alone), or if it's a good needy (that it will drive me to You and to other Christians to begin finding friendships that are essential to my Walk). Bottom line is that my life doesn't look complete from my perspective. Yes, I have a church body, a husband, kids, extended family, a home, work to do at home, and occasional ministry opportunities. But I don't have a regular ministry, and I don't have local friendships. And what's worse, I feel confused about those things that I don't have. I felt strongly about a couple ministries for awhile, but now I'm doubting those really are the ministries that You are calling us to. And I meet other women, but I've been hitting walls and not being drawn to any one person in particular - AND I don't have any consistent outlet to plug into to actually develop any friendships. No MOPS, no Bible study. Playgroup at the church is this morning, so maybe something will come of that.

I'm just feeling helpless, Lord. Every time I get excited about something it seems something comes along and squelches it. Of course, I'm talking about "feelings" a lot here and I know that's not the most accurate method of discernment. If I was purposefully in Your Word, I might have a much different perspective. I also realize that the way I've been acting these last few months of blog entries, anyone reading would think I'm totally bipolar! Or at the very least, a drama queen! But You know my heart, Lord. You know that what sounds so unbalanced is just the rawness of the depths of myself, at the source of the battle between flesh and Spirit. There is an element of causation, though. Being so vulnerable day after day gets wearing. I feel like my insides are splayed out. Even if nobody actually reads this, I feel less able to put on the appearance of togetherness, and less likely to present a false image. Which is good, but I'm not used to it. I guess I like the option of anonymity. It works well with my introverted nature. So weird how outward I usually want to be when I'm actually with people, but how inward I want to be most of my day!

Ug. Why am I going on and on about myself? That won't get me anywhere. Where I want to be is with You. Pleasing You. Being an instrument to bring You glory. Filled. Content. At peace. Patient. Satisfied by You. Fruitful. Joyful. A witness to Your works. What works are You doing that I'm missing? Why do You seem hidden? Can You please direct me to some scripture that speaks to this?

"Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind."

"We're not keeping secrets, we're telling them; we're not hiding things, we're bringing them out into the open. Are you listening to this? Really listening?"

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."

Christ, come displace worry at the center of my life. God, come settle me down and work me into Your most excellent harmonies. I'm weary - I need fresh strength. Am I really listening to You? Am I meditating on good things? Am I putting what I've learned into practice? I feel so inept and so floppy. Impotent. Discouraged. Dumb. Blind. Deaf. Embarrassed. Self-centered. Angry. Frustrated. Impatient. Nothing in me is good, Lord!!!

But You are good! You are God! Compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to a thousand generations, endlessly patient, forgiving every kind of sin. You must be worshipped! There is no other possibility after knowing who You are! Why then can't I trust You? Why can't I believe that You love me, forgive me for this funk I'm in, and are taking care of all the details of my present and future? What sins lurk unconfessed that keep me from Your face? Why am I so confused?

O but Lord, it doesn't really matter in the shadow of Your greatness. My little issues are so small. So let me boast about my weaknesses, because the weaker I get, the stronger You become! Your grace is all I need. You love me beyond comprehension. You are living in me. You forgive me and want to use me. You wouldn't punish me over and over again or keep something just out of reach because You were being spiteful or mean! You always have a good reason for anything You do or allow. If it isn't obvious, then maybe it's not something I need to stew over. Maybe I just need to rest in Your love and mercy and believe that You will enlighten me at the perfect time. These issues that I'm talking about could be solved in 1 day, or they could be solved over the next year. Regardless, Your grace is sufficient for me. Now help me live like I really believe that. Write it into the caverns of my heart so that I cannot forget.

And Lord, I don't want to pass the ball to You every time something needs to be done. Because though You are ultimately the One responsible for everything good, I do need to actually exercise my own muscles. You gave me a body, mind, soul, will, heart, and life to use - not to pawn off on You. I can't say "I'm hungry - give me my daily bread" and then sit around on my butt and wait! It's not as though You've been blinding me to the tools at my disposal - the Bible, spiritual disciplines, other Christians, etc. And I can probably figure out which one to use if I just think about it and ask You to make sure...

Thank You for talking to me. I'm so sorry and so embarrassed by my dimwitted prayers and behavior. Thanks for bearing with me and not looking down on me with disdain. I know You love me and want the best for me. I love You, too. Holy Spirit, fill me with AGAPE to overflowing so that I can really love God and people. Protect me from the enemy who seeks to keep me in despair and guilty laziness. I am SO WEAK right now, so be strong in me!!!