"Time passed. Cain brought an offering to God from the produce of his farm. Abel also brought an offering, but from the firstborn animals of his herd, choice cuts of meat. God liked Abel and his offering, but Cain and his offering didn't get his approval. Cain lost his temper and went into a sulk.

God spoke to Cain: "Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won't you be accepted? And if you don't do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it's out to get you, you've got to master it."" Genesis 4:3-7 (Message)

Is my offering acceptable to You, Lord? When Michael told me about his prayer experience and how he was careful to let his spirit and Your Spirit discuss things, without him mental processes taking over, being silent when needed, and speaking up when led... I have not had that experience yet that I know of. When I talk to You, I sometimes go into monologue mode. Maybe it would help to picture You sitting at the other side of Your computer screen, reading what I've written. Like an "email to God"... That solves the problem of remembering You're actually listening, but it doesn't allow much give and take - and especially none during the course of the "email". I like it that I have asked You questions, gone to search them out, and then come back with the answer in the same entry. That give and take is there, I think. But I don't feel as though I'm being sensitive to Your Spirit and my inner spirit.

I believe that what You were telling Cain was that if his heart was right, his offering would have been acceptable. Is my heart right? I think it is. I'm growing and learning. I am SO grateful, proud, pleased, joyful that You speak to Michael and give him so much wisdom and so many insights. Because his day is much more demanding than mine, and because he is responsible for the welfare of the household You placed him over, I am so glad that You seem to enlighten him with things more quickly and deeply than You do with me. Perhaps it's also because I'm not as smart or as quick, and maybe because I'm more stubborn! Whatever the reason for the seeming difference, I so fully trust You. You do what You know You need to do, in the best way to do it. How could You do any less?!? You're GOD! Perfect, HOLY, mighty, LOVE, good, kind, patient...

Now Lord, I praise You for all that. But I also want to ask You for some things that I'm sure You want to give. Joy, peace, patience, contentment. Over me, my house, my kids, my hubby. It will require discipline to host this couple coming over this week. It will require Your words and Your leading to talk to this lady about her needs. It will require Your love to respect and forgive my mom despite her showing more and more signs that she is SO LOST and mired in her own sins. Yes, I thank You for the realization that I asked for You to bring her to salvation by whatever means necessary. If those means are to allow her to get more and more sinful (however painful and damaging that is to our relationship) so that she might recognize a need for You, then that it what it takes! I pray for strength and perspective to allow You to work without Michael and I freaking out and being overly fearful about our kids' exposure to them.

I still want some close friends. I know that will take time, but I'm starting to see some possibilities and I ask that You guide me to do and say the things that will help that process along and not hinder it (as I'm prone to do with my knack for tactlessness). I want help in deciding what, when, and where to engage in spiritual disciplines. I can tell that silence and solitude are high on the list. With small kids constantly needing me, and with endless chatter around me, I have relished the times I've spent working in the garden, alone, tending to Your creation, quiet, feeling the sun on my back, looking forward to the "harvest" next season. I savor the still afternoons when both children are sleeping.

This journal is a discipline, and I am so thankful to You for that. I never would have done it if You hadn't started urging me to through friends. I never would have voluntarily gotten up every morning unless You had shown me the necessity and prompted me to do it by waking me. Where would I be without this?

You are so good, Lord. You provide all I need when I depend on You. Forgive me for whatever sins I have committed - envy, discontent, pride, laziness, etc. As well as sins of omission - not speaking up, not doing, etc. I believe that Your Son died to give me the ability to confess and be washed clean, that I can live in right relationship with You. A MIRACLE! I stand against the enemy that seeks to teach me lies, keep me fettered in sin, and paralyzed by fear. He is already defeated - he just doesn't know it yet! I choose to live victoriously because You made me victor and You and Your angels help me fight and win every battle I face.

Be You, God. And I want to LET you be God. Not pinned in by my small imagination, but bigger, better, smarter, and wilder than any mind can fathom! Thank You for You. I love You and just keep loving You more! May it be that way for eternity!!!