I've been having disturbing dreams lately, Lord. Last night involved seeing a rape, going to a lawyer, hiding out, being homeless with Michael, finding shelter and food, hijacking a woman's car and staying in her house for a little while with her children and husband and 2 secret lesbian lovers, taking some furniture from her house with the Sapps, hiding from the neighbors, renting a storage facility to store the stuff we couldn't keep while being homeless... Yesterday's was me as a college student with a completely different life, falling in love with a boy, getting pregnant, and then preparing for the trip to tell my parents about it. Why these stress dreams? Am I being assaulted spiritually right now? Am I worried about things that I'm not consciously aware of and so the worry is having it's outlet in my dreams?

I don't want to worry, Lord. I want to trust and believe You. I cannot do both.

"Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open." James 1:5-8

"But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully). That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace [continually] to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it).

So be subject to God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you.

Come close to God and He will come close to you. [Recognize that you are] sinners, get your soiled hands clean; [realize that you have been disloyal] wavering individuals with divided interests, and purify your hearts [of your spiritual adultery].

[As you draw near to God] be deeply penitent and grieve, even weep [over your disloyalty]. Let your laughter be turned to grief and your mirth to dejection and heartfelt shame [for your sins].

Humble yourselves [feeling very insignificant] in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you [He will lift you up and make your lives significant]." James 4:6-10

James is brutal, Lord. Tough stuff. I know I am double-minded about the pregnancy/mission trip. I want to go so much more than I want to be pregnant right now, but I do love being pregnant and would welcome another child. I feel like I'm committed to the trip, but keeping my options open - a back door. I should just be patient until we find out in a couple days, but what I don't want to happen is to be really disappointed if I am pregnant. Every other child has been rejoiced over! Bottom line, like I said before, is that I'm not fully committed to what YOU want - whatever that is. If I was set on Your will instead of mine, I'd be glad for whatever You chose.

Lord, it's so stupid for me to feel this way! The pregnancy and the mission trip are 2 different ministries. And who am I to presume to choose the ministry I want?!? Haven't You always given me good gifts? Haven't You always picked the best for me? Haven't You always known infinitely more so that Your choices are always infinitely wiser? Haven't I always admitted how much better Your plan was than mine?!?

My verse today is:
Obedience to Christ
Romans 12:1 "I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." Romans 12:1

So, my body is not my own, Lord. It belongs to my husband and to You. I present my body to You, Lord, for whatever purposes You desire to use it, for Your glory. I present my appetite, my fertility, my tiredness, my mind full of sinful thoughts, my heart full of wickedness... That's what I have to give. Nothing like a spotless lamb. All I have is dirty rags. But when I give it all to You, YOU provide the sacrifice for me - and Your sacrifice is perfect.

Lord I Give You My Heart

This is my desire, to honour You
Lord with all my heart I worship You
all I have within me
I give You praise
all that I adore is in You

Chorus:
Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me