On the one hand, Lord, I know that You're still working on me and in me. I know this without a doubt because I still feel the tendering of Your Spirit on my heartstrings. I cry every time I'm moved deeply by You. Now my outward show of reaction may be hormonal, but having a reaction at all is definitely Your Spirit. My problem is this (and it has been this for a long long time): how am I supposed to put all my focus on YOU when I'm also supposed to be disciplined? I hear You call me in the morning and You want me to talk to You, but I tell You that I'd like to do it while I'm still in bed with my eyes closed. Then I get to thinking about how You really want me to obey, and how I know if I'd obey, You'd be able to speak to me, lift me up, empower me, convict me, etc. So then I get to dwelling on feeling confused about how I'm supposed to focus on You while I'm focused on how I'm supposed to be focusing on You. What a mess I am. I think I'm just going to have to have a long talk with Michael tonight to level my head about some things. I don't have anybody to do that with in my life except him. It's good that I can do it with him, but not good that he's my only current choice.

What I keep coming back to is: what am I SUPPOSED to be doing right now? Is my life SUPPOSED to look like this at this stage, or is this a survival mode that is induced by my rebellion and sin? Is it that I just need to tweak a few things? Cause I have some unbelief issues (lack of faith in You, and lack of faith in my abilities even with Your strength) that as soon as I make some first steps, I'm going to be dragged into a hornet's nest of conviction, mired in shame. I don't trust You that You will go as slowly as I think I need You to go. I don't trust myself to persevere right now because I feel like I'm completely shackled by my body's needs and desires. I feel like a prisoner of my hormones and exhaustion. I feel like my body has been invaded by a rude guest who constantly rings the bell for me to serve her. Do I have permission to say no? If I say no, am I being an abusive hostess? If I say no, will I pay even greater physical consequences? Is it POSSIBLE to say no?

So regardless of my confusion and pity party, I do know You love me and are waiting patiently for me to hear what You have to say. I know You are blessing me and my family more than we deserve. I know that You are holding the "fort" together while I cannot, calming the restless natives, softening my husband's heart into a selfless servant's heart. You have been so gracious to mold everyone else's life around mine. What a horrible, wretched life it is to be the center of a world where people cater to Your needs! I've often wished for just that, but now that I have it, I am shamed by it. YOU ALONE are worthy to be in the middle of any world. You are the One and Only I AM, there is none like You. Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End. Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, and Friend. My Prince of Peace. Sacrificial Lamb, Lion of Judah. You are everything to me, even though I don't act like it most of the time. Change my heart oh God, make it ever true. Change my heart, may I be like You. You are the Potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me into the woman of God (regardless of pregnancy status) that You created me to be. I don't need to be just like any other woman or man I know, I just need to be Your vision of me. I don't know what it will take to get there, but instill the passion to obey and love You and focus on YOU so that You can get me there. I cannot get there alone. I don't even know where THERE is. But I know that as I get to You, You will lead me wherever You want me to be. I am not worthy of Your love, Lord. But I am so thankful for it.