"A Christian servant is one who perpetually looks into the face of God and then goes forth to talk to others. The ministry of Christ is characterized by an abiding glory of which the servant is totally unaware— ". . . Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone while he talked with Him" (Exodus 34:29)."

It's kind of funny that the last blog entry has been up for so long as I've been battling it out with You while my smiling picture is right beside it :). I have been smiling on the outside, but there has been inner turmoil at many times. However, You, as always, have been utterly gracious and merciful while I indulge in my little rebellion. Last night Your Spirit spoke to me that WHATEVER I'm doing (or NOT doing, as the case may be) MUST be in love or it's legalism. So I was convicted to the core that over the last year, my attention has diverted from the request to LOVE YOU MORE to the request to OBEY YOU MORE. Obeying is the PRODUCT of love, not the source. I have been misapplying the understanding I had of discipline - more or less "fake it til you make it" - i.e. I'm not going to FEEL like obeying all the time, but I need to continue to do it anyway and the feeling will come as a result. But the problem there is that the reason to continue to do it HAS to be out of LOVE, not duty. I think there must be a fine line there because Love is not primarily a FEELING, so I can't rely upon FEELINGS of love to compel me to obey. But the goal is different. I can slip easily from obeying because I love You to obeying because I think it's good for me, or to change my character, or because it's what GOOD Christians do, etc. It's not about ME - it's about YOU. It always has to come back to You. So how can I tell what my true motivation is when I know all the Sunday school answers so well?

The other thing You spoke to me, though, was maybe even MORE compelling as I thought about resuming this practice in LOVE. It has occurred to me lately, considering what I have to offer in long-term missions, that I don't HAVE ANYTHING to offer besides Christ, a bad attitude towards Him, and a wad of bad character issues. On the one hand, I realized that no matter what, a servant has to get to that place of humility because Your strength is made perfect in our weakness and it's YOUR glory we're after - not ours. On the other hand, it does seem helpful to be sure of my calling, to have an idea how I might be used for Your glory, and to acknowledge Your blessings rather than diminish them in false humility or disrespectful negligence. While thinking about the stellar missionaries we know, it's so easy to compare myself unfavorably. "I'm not AS GOOD in that area, or that one, or that one..." But I do know that though I am far from professionally trained, others have told me that my writing has been a blessing to them. And I remembered my cry to You - "why do I have to do this?!?" - in reference to blogging my prayers. Then it dawned on me that the modest gift I have been given that might possibly glorify You in missions is writing. So what am I waiting for? How many reasons do I need? You can't be glorified through a servant unwilling to cooperate. If it really IS about You, that changes things. Trying to muster the motivation to blog for my own good is kind of like trying to muster the motivation to exercise to lose 2 pounds. Short-sighted goals yield short-winded energy.

I think part of my struggle this year has been with the fact that I'm not using my blessings in any obviously beneficial (to the Body of Christ) way. Which has been a huge relief (a BREAK!), but it's been depressing too (because I've been able to be more selfish with my time and energies). It really is true that I am refreshed as I pour myself out. I've been pretty stagnant lately. I am quick to defend myself as I think about that, but whether I made the right choices or not, here I am now. And here YOU are now. So where do we go now?

All I know is that You MUST grow love in me. I cannot survive on this constant drip of fluids - this daily manna that is a miraculous provision, but only just enough to get me by. I need to be overflowing with love for You and for others so that Your name may be glorified. I am not, and Your name is not. You're the only One who can change that. PLEASE DO!