I can really tell when I haven't been in the Word... The drive to pray is just non-existent! ouch.

"Personality merges, and you only reach your true identity once you are merged with another person. When love or the Spirit of God come upon a person, he is transformed. He will then no longer insist on maintaining his individuality. Our Lord never referred to a person’s individuality or his isolated position, but spoke in terms of the total person— ". . . that they may be one just as We are one . . . ." Once your rights to yourself are surrendered to God, your true personal nature begins responding to God immediately. Jesus Christ brings freedom to your total person, and even your individuality is transformed. The transformation is brought about by love— personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the overflowing result of one person in true fellowship with another." My Utmost For His Highest

Oh how I know this is true, Lord. It's part of the reason why I bucked personality profiles for so long. Part of me wants to know that I'm unique - different than everyone else. The other part knows that I only have TRUE value when I'm merged with God. Sure, God created each of us, and His creation always has innate value. And definitely God loves each of us, saved or unsaved. But my identity that really matters is squarely in Christ and nowhere else. Nothing of any worth is just mine. My time, talents, treasures, love, appearance, body - they're ALL YOURS, Father! I want to take things for myself, get some "me" time, be prideful of my accomplishments, do whatever I want with my body... But I am a Temple. I am not my own. I was bought at a price - the price of Your Son's death.

Oh, Lord, I repent! I've been squandering away my hours. I've been treating the things you lend as though they were not really Yours. After all, if I saw You, my Master, tending to Your own things, I would treat them with all the dignity royalty deserves. But, as it is, I am delusional, ungrateful, and dishonorable. I want all the benefits without all the work. I want to live how I want and let You do Your "magic" on me. Why am I so stubborn? For no other reason than is common to man, I'm sure. Why glorify my wickedness? I am the same as my neighbors. No better, no worse.

Yet, You do set me apart for Your awesome work! You bid me to join You and Your Body! You live in and act through me!

Thank You for not totally cutting off Your blessings to others through me even though I haven't been walking with You very closely. Thank You for sheltering me from any outward harm even as my inward self was wasting away. Thanks for reminding me through my parenting of Edward that You want me to talk to You, regardless what it sounds like, how embarrassed I am, and that my prayers are no better or no worse than his sweet toddler prayers. What You care about is authenticity, and just that we do talk to You as often as we can! Thank You for keeping my husband and kids safe (even though I drove several miles without realizing Genevieve's car seat was totally unbuckled!). Thank You for loving me, despite my blatant disobedience. How Your heart must hurt for the children You love when they rebel.

I am so grateful for every breath. I wish I was more aware of what a feat that is! Yes, I long for Heaven. I would go in an instant to be with You. But right now, I think that might be more an escape from the depressing, crushing, groaning weight of the world, my sin, and the discipline discipleship takes, than a real desire to be there. Besides - I want to complete Your plans for me, and live more worthy of my calling before I die. May Your will be done!